I want to be a kaleidscope

My life has become a boring pop song and everyone is singing along

2009-12-20T19:41:57Z

All I could think of is sleep.Just shut myself from everything and not hear anything for once and just sleep,sleep for the rest of the week.Something like hibernation.That'd be awesome.Im really lazy to do almost anything now,can anyone please get rid of this self demon off my fucking back.Will need to head back school later and probably buy a pair of new shoes cause mother says so.Apparently,its inappropriate to wear flip flops or flats what is wrong with that?!Its completely norm to me.But anyway,I'll be having a tedious time finding a pair because I hate to shop.Was never a fan of choosing and standing and trying its all so blahh to me.I need a nintendo and a kaleidscope to play with.My life has become so vanilla.Hi fat assz,its time for a motherfucking change.

Things dont seem to change,so I just fantasize and still make you mine

2009-12-17T19:25:52Z

I am actually sleepy and that's probably a good thing.These past few days seemed packed.But it was so draining that sometimes I just.want.to.fucking.die.And so for the past few days I've been....stuffing myself with tons of junk food(I think I absorbed 94583589859283984 fuckloads of calories my tummy can explode any minute yez I know I never change screw it),had too many good laughs,fooled around with such foreign objects,ran around the beach on late nights(I love it when the my toes seeps into the sand),going over to anna's place to play her useless xbox and her fail para para dance(so failz) and sitting by the pool side sipping on beer with my two sadistic pals and talk about the world.Eventhough it doesn't seem productive at least I felt busy,I actually felt busy.Now that today's a friday,I'll pray and hope that everything will be fine but I think I'll be damned by three so its set,cekik as much meat as I want at night!!!Damn,what a charmed life.

P/S : But frankly,out of all the fun I've had and the happiness that I've felt,somehow somewhere,something or someone was missing and my miserable 16 year old self could not help but cry to sleep and feel ridiculously pathetic,I really fucking love you.

Fuck Satellite Hearts

2009-12-12T13:23:54Z

Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.Tonight I am gonna get wasted like a mofo.AKSJISJDFKIASJDKFJKSLDOFF TO THE BEACH NOW FUCK THE PAST JFKSJDKFLJSKLDJFKASJDK'F

Walls up

2009-12-05T21:10:37Z

The epitome of acting cute and and still a tad bit shy while promoting the greatest cereal ever hahahaha kay wtf irritating puki

Efy went "uniquely singapore shopping"(winks like mad),we ate at a very "stay at home" stall pssst the huge ass toilet paper hahahaha fuckers,efy was the one who recommended it!Searched for A4 notepads high and low and along the way got acknowledge for taking pictures tsk what a hater.Roam around the huge ass fun supermarket and didnt bought anything in the end because my favourite root beer wasn't cold nuff so I ended up buying ice lemon tee from 7 11 at a very unreasonable price.Fucking daylight robbery.Well I had fun though!There tons ass of pictures but I'll upload it some other time when Im not that lazy but anyway not like any of you cared,no one's even reading this space I think hahahah not like I cared about readership or anythanggg.5am and Im suppose to sleep.Have a safe flight later ydee jumanto, xx

You simplified me down to slogans on the wall.I took offense,but you were right about them all.

2009-12-04T09:12:17Z

"One thing's for sure,you can never be happy." Wow that hurts,thanks alot.Thank you for everything.So a simple realisation of the day;nothing in this world is ever fucking fair no matter how much you try or give because it won't be enough,nothing is ever going to be enough.Anyway,this year's drawing to a close and I am mad at myself for not trying to accomplish anything at all.You can say that Im pretty much pathetic in a way.How I pity the people who are tolerating and stuck with my failing self,I can name a few though.Something heart wrenching is going to happen,I can smell it but what to do..what to do..what to do.. How do people have hope?When a loved one is dying or when a lover is gonna dissapear anytime soon,or when everything is starting to fall apart,or when you know you did something that you're unprepared for and the aftermath would be fucking horrible and would most likely affect your future,how can people still have hope despite all of this?Maybe its just me,maybe Im just being difficult.

I am feeling damn lousy today.

Long gone and nearly there.

2009-11-24T06:08:51Z

Im finally up early,Im starving like mad but I kinda like it,I forgot to bring along extra clothes now I have to go back to the god damn house,Im still freezing because I lost the remote for the air conditioner,I misplaced my sister's charger for her laptop and now Im left with 20%,my hair is in a total mess,my nails are chipped,my whole body is aching,the money that was on the table is now gone..fuck now I must search for it,stupid wind..obviously this is not working out at all.But the only thing that I like about this house is that there are no fucking kids around to bother the fuck out of me and the house is just god damn peaceful.But I never thought that I would miss my own bed this much.This isn't how I pictured things to be...sometimes I wonder why don't I just face it and fix it instead of avoiding and ignoring it?My sister has been the only one sticking up to me and taking care of me whereas..I don't want to sound sickeningly sad when I swear I’m not all that morbid and stuff but fml,this hurts.

Just like a paper cut

2009-11-19T18:55:38Z

Life is not distant like that
It is mad
Just like a star that explodes
Or like notes
You should pretend not to know
It is slow
Life is not distant like that
It is mad
Just like a star that explodes
Or like notes
You should pretend not to know
It is slow
Life is not distant like that
It is mad

-Mew

"Too weird to live, Too rare to die"

2009-11-16T06:05:46Z

Good 11hours of sleep,hot chocolate by my side plus the cosy weather,its all so good.Woke up today with a surge of excitement with no apparent reason at all.My birthday is today and I secretly like how everyone is being very nice to me!Last night was my unexpected mind-blowing birthday celebration.My bestfriend surprised me with a delish chocolate cake hehe and we ate at an arabian feel restaraunt and omg the food was awesome possum!!Went to watch paranormal activity,I still cannot accept the fact that the boyfriend died!!At 3am I got a surprise from my brother,free beer and seafood noodle haha classic.Weird how I love the people around me with such strength,it just overwhelms me hahaha I am turning more sappy by the day.But either way Im thankful to have such amazing people and you ;) Anywaysssssssssssssssss thank you for all those who wished me and happy birthday evan!!And now,I need a goddamn shower.

A year closer to deathbedz

2009-11-15T20:47:01Z

Im like NC16
HEHE

Our hearts are ashstrays

2009-11-12T18:15:13Z

This offcially hurts ):

You're my heart, kid. How can I live without my heart?

2009-11-06T13:32:13Z

Woke up at 5 today,trudge to the toilet only to throw up for the third time.Hate being sick,gives me throbbing headaches and elusive dreams.Fever is a fucking bitch.On a heavier note,I've been feeling extremely sluggish nowadays,someone slap me please!!!I need to run,I need a job.I can't bring myself to dress up and go out anymore because I'll have to leave the house,slightly sweating from all the rush since Im never punctual just to catch the train.Then I'll have to stand among the sardines,fighting,to score a fucking seat.When comes to my stop,I realised that I was actually damn early so I'll have to sit by the seats with other people while waiting,and take my first nicotine intake for the day.People would stare with their criminal eyes at the way I do my hair or how I sit but with every exhale I somehow don't fucking give a shit.Wait,am I the only one who just wants to fall asleep and doesn't have a job yet?Fml man,its so shingz.My sister just gave birth to a baby girl,hello new brat.

So I got on my knees and pretended to pray

2009-11-03T16:13:59Z

Succubus are fun,free,easy and fucking annoying

You are the art of drowning

2009-11-01T11:31:05Z

Screw coffee and the constant ringing reminder in my head that fucks with my mind,it is mentally draining me.On a lighter note,aside from alcohol and mac's sinful breakfast,I coloured my hair at an unearthly hour last night which turned out...?Thanks eggy!My head is throbbing and it seems that 12hours of sleep is not enough.I am not human,nothing is ever enough,maybe I should hibernate like the beavers since Im jobless and like to sleep alot.Its already 1st of November,about time I be productive and get a job already!!Tomorrow I shall wake early and head to the park and tune in to the oldies.There's just something about it that I prefer rather then the newer ones.Newer ones are abit off,nothing beats the old good classics!!I've been getting alot of good feelings lately..its awesome..anyway,good evening :)

So can't you tell?

2009-10-29T21:58:54Z

The purest and most human thing I have left to offer is love.I've got no bundles of cash to bring you to restaurants and late night partying,neither do I have a car to drive you around but you,you still loved me.I bring new problems to the table,my shit ass mood swings,my cranky whinings about life,my broken promises,my countless sorrys,my selfishness to almost everything but despite all of that,you,you never gave up on me.Even when you felt like giving up you still stood strong.A sign of relief when I knew that you would always have my back no matter what,I felt secure...safe.The late nights that I couldn't curl up in bed,you were always on my mind.I missed you.You make me laugh,you make me cry,you make me cringe,you played along with me when I shared you my sexual fantasies with my future husband,silk sheets,scented candles,chocolate fudge...hahaha you do all of the thingsthat makes me smile wider.We can fight all the time and get mad at each other,people can talk and be judgemental,bitcheads can talk shit but nothing,nothing in this world can change the fact that I love you."I've got the world's most fucking amazing girl",guess what?I think you're fucking amazing too.

Some are just born with it

2009-10-28T19:45:30Z

"Those who start from scratch always ends up at the top.
Fucking Bullshit."

Don't hide the feeling deep inside..

2009-10-27T17:34:36Z

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us,we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness. That is a friend who cares."

Those three words are bullet to my chest.

2009-10-27T06:17:28Z

What a fucking bliss,I fixed the computer all by myself!Life has been better,I suppose.Stability is on its way I can smell it...Been waking up as early as six in the morning everyday to meditate at this beautiful place where I never thought existed.Gets my mind off things,gives me time to think and I feel away from everything..it kinda feels good,real good.The what ifs thoughts are long gone and I don't give a flying fuck anymore about what the society thinks is “right” or “ideal”.People have the freedom to think and believe,it isn't fair to be judge just because I don't believe in something that you believe in.That's just bullshit.I've been brought up well,I know what is right and wrong and I'll know what's best for me along the way.Anyway!

On a less argumentative note,Im waiting for my sister's keeper to load.Meaningful story,probably sad.The other day I went to borders to read the last page of the book and it spoiled the whole omg-what-is-gonna-happen-in-the-end!!!!Hate myself for doing that.I think its gonna rain.The curtains keep sweeping out of the window.My phone is silent as hell,I miss you.Someone tried to tick me off,I think...or maybe it was just my pms..MAYBE.

Four letter word

2009-10-26T17:09:26Z

"Love...We think about it, sing about it, dream about it, lose sleep worrying about it. When we don’t have it,we search for it; when we discover it, we don’t know what to do with it; when we have it, we fear losing it.It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we can’t predict which it will be from one moment to the next.It is a short word - easy to spell, difficult to define, and impossible to live without."

-runawaytrain

I think love looks good on me

2009-10-22T18:20:02Z

"Me no money."
"Too bad."
"OI"
"What?Go get a job!"
"Stop being a bitch."
"No you're a bitch."
"No no,you're a bitch!"

....haha mom,you are quite the little cute thing.She knocked on my door afterwards to pass me money which could last me for a week and it seemed like a temporary bliss but no,I spent em bucks on a pile of books from borders because it was on sale and I have the member's card!!And I wasted the rest of the money on marks&spencer chocolates and the good old classic plug and play game which consists of supermario,pacman,etc.And now...now Im left with $xx how the fuck am I gonna survive good.gracious.fucking.shoot.me.At this rate,my self depreciating moments will never come to a closure.I am so shingzz.

Been searching for my manicure kit for the past half an hour because my nails are chipped and screwed.Need to cut,paint and file them.Plus I've yet to lay out the clothes that Im gonna wear later or else Im gonna be late fo sho.Whyyy am I speaking like this I sound like a shallow bitchead haha shall stop.Now Im stuck watching hair tutorial videos with shabby home clothes on which is quite comfy and I have less then 4hours of sleep!!!Want to start circuit traning on weekend...hahaha?!?!No time to waste,no time to waste..

Shitless Ranting At 1am

2009-10-18T17:09:27Z

Despite from the throbbing headache and suffering from a fucked up nose block,it don't hurt to go binge drinking and wait till the morning comes to run in the park just to breathe the morning air..it would feel good,it should feel good.Then maybe later,I could rush back home to change and go out again to somewhere and do something productive,something that I could or would be proud of then maybe share that special someone my exciting news because its a habit,because I always tell him everything..well maybe not everything but I tell him cos he loves me and I love him too and he actually gives a fuck about me..... My mind is not at ease,feel the need to sort my emotions and be open to options.I have brown colour walls now and the scent of cinnamon candles makes me feel fvcking sleepy but I can't curl up in bed without knowing how you're doing...I lost the air conditioner remote.It usually hides beneath the red coloured blankets but tonight failed.Hopefully the malaysia trip is still on I feel like going away..fuck I know right,what the fuck am I babbling about anyway.I am so full of shit.

Knots Destroyed By Words Of Obnoxious Bitches

2009-10-13T20:09:26Z

I,apparently the most psychotic most emotional most paranoid person have learned to overcome one and only one thing ; not letting others get to me.Be it my negative surroundings filled with such judgemental people(example my mom),getting such lectures from an aunt which happens to be a tai tai(idk the right spelling)wannabe,or a bitch spreading crap about me.Yay me!But you know what annoys me the most?Its when beings can't mind their own business and they keep intruding or just pass some awful comments and make up such untrue stories.Sure I'll get mad and it eventually drive others insane but that won't get me anywhere.So best thing to do?Ignore.Because at the end of the day its your life and your choice on how to live it.So why should I comment on it?The way I live my life,what I do for fun,what I do for love,what I do for my family friends or whoever the fuck happens to be on your mind,its all personal.So why do you..care?I've been trample on others so many damn times and I know who to believe,I know who to trust.Its my choice and apparently,I wasn't raised to trash people.On a lighter note,people have been ultra friendly and it is scaring the shit out of me but!That's sorta of a good thing I guess....anyway!

Today I ran in heels which was god damn retarded,ate tons of noodles and chicken wingsss,painted my untidy toenails,saw a pool of roaches in kallang(ehem),and got blisters all over my not so sexy feet.Exhausting but will go jogging later in the morning because I felt the guilt after stuffing in tons of calories!!I hope and pray hard that I would be able to wake up later and speaking of praying...Im gonna start thanking God for giving me good moments and search for him when Im in deep shit.Just realised that I won't start appreciating till I start thanking and no dom,Im not talking shits haha truth!Wait till Im craving for it then we will gulp gulp gulp...few days back I sat with my bestfriend with wind in our faces and talked.We then ate macs and soo....jogging laterrrrr!!!And now Im dead beatzzz.

Totally norm,right?

2009-10-10T09:21:39Z

Im the idiot that you once fell in love with,who never gave you the way to greater heights and greener grass because Im that selfish.Im so sorry.

Am I degraded by society?

2009-10-08T10:55:49Z

I am snacking on grapes now because I feel so god damn depressed and so bloody annoyed with half the people that I know because they are being such shallow bitcheads that I want to pull all of their hair out!!!Well today...today I wept like a fucking pussy because I screwed up everything and so,I did some depress ranting to li er eventhough its just useless ranting because I know it doesn't feed her enthusiasm hahaha but she is probably the next fucking best person to talk to whenever I feel like Im in deep shit.Anyway!I saw Shakira's new video and aawoooo she is so god damn sexy and graceful when she glides and slides with her ass.Sizzlesssz but its okay cause Im off to the gym now to fucking satisfy myself and not drown myself in bloody misery bahahaha,byez!!!!!!!!!

Stop time and melt with you.

2009-10-02T16:55:34Z

Friday night and Im home alone in my new house stuffing ben and jerry's ice cream down my throat and doing math,while everyone's out.Its not unusual since I rarely go out because almost everywhere in singapore is just annoyingly crowded and the weather is just so freaking unbearable.Call me boring but staying home is the next best thing apart from the family drama of course.Everything in this new house smells so woody.Wooden table,wooden chairs,wooden bed,wooden floors...I just miss my old house.I miss the scented brick walls and the cold hard marble floor.But!I feel comfortable staying here.The irony.....

Life nowadays is so fast pace that its hard to keep up with everyone,I barely have time for myself.But its all good,a fucking week to be exact and Im god damn free.Past few days have been a bliss,despite from my irritating whining and laziness haha.Been surrounding myself with people who have similar goals as me and that's a good thing I suppose?Apparently surrounding myself with positive people helped because I am actually studying like mad and I hope and pray that I will not flunk my elective or Im screwed fo sho.I am so sick of people and their negativity.They just bring you down and at the end of the day,you suffer alone because of the negativity that they have influenced you.Thinking of the future sucks,you keep thinking of what's in store for you or what's gonna happen next.I wouldn't want to end up like a loser when I grow old or become a starving artist.That would disappoint my dad so damn much.I'll work hard to attain something good and from there I'll just wait and see and then go figure.

My gums are bleeding again,it hurtsssss plus my accounts homework is not yet completed and I've not yet wash my uniform yess I have school on a saturday morning genius right my teacher but it will pay off Im sure and Im gonna pass raya visiting with my family because Im gonna study study study like a mad woman in simei and I shall think like a boy because girls are such paranoid beings and irritates the crap out of people so for that I shall think like a...boy.

"Its okay to miss them,"she whispered

2009-09-23T13:38:18Z

Im sitting comfortably on my sister's bed,half of my brain distracted by the heat of this laptop on my lap and the other with muffin licking my toes,it ticklesssss.Muffin is a kitten which I saved while I was on the way to my sister's place.Mom doesn't allow me to keep it because one,Im moving in with my sister this weekend for an eternity,two,she hates cats and three,she is just being retarded.So it looks like Im gonna release muffin some place else like the spca or maybe give her away to a more responsible being,it hurts.Oh well....

Blew my plans with sexy courtesan and Mitch today.So.cannot.wait.for.this.shit.to.end.because.it.feels.like.hell.1st day of raya wasn't the best,it was never fun anyway.I ate and ate because it was so god damn boring and then wallow in guilt because of the calories that I've been stuffing myself with.Found myself lying on the bed with the laptop watching three movies;final destination four,sorority row and jennifer's body which made me a whole lot depress because omg megan fox is so hot.I slept for a good two hours after that when my cousins finally arrived.I know right,the joy....what a charmed life.

My head still hurts,I blame the lack of sleep.Insomnia just like to spike cold so suddenly.And just to get the time to pass by quickly,I'll drink caffeine and smoke cigarettes too many,letting my teeth and mind rot at the same time.This whole routine has become a repetition of every common cliche, yet it all feels so real.And I miss...... At dinner today,I watched my father.He seemed oddly happy,it made me smile.But for once,to be honest,I felt the ache of wanting to be in his company but exercised my right to be silent.Anyway,MY PHONE IT HURTSSSSS.Oh well time to drown myself in math equations and accounting concepts and try to forget about the people who forgot about me long time ago.And I always forget that long rambling posts like this one scare people.